the Ghost I Can’t Forget

Some heartbreaks come and go. It hurts for awhile and then the moving on/letting go processes begin to make their way into our lives. The broken heart gains some perspective and starts mending itself. 

However, there’s always that ONE person that the brain just cannot seem to forget. That ONE scar on the heart that will never go away or be forgotten. The one that lingers for decades no matter how much “moving on” takes place. 

For many, the first heartbreak is the worst. It’s the one that makes an enormous impact on who we are as individuals. The one that changes our outlook on the universe. For others, the person entered in a pivotal time in life. Regardless of when or why, we all have our most intense heartbreak stuck away in a box somewhere, deep down in our memory files. No matter when or who broke the heart into a million shards of glass, we all have that one that we never truly, completely recover from. 

What was so special about that person? Why does the memory of his/her face haunt our dreams for all eternity? Even when we find others to obsess over, others to feel the spark and connect with, the memory of that one person can never be booted from the brain.  It’s life. It’s just the way things work. I wish I could selectively remove you from my mind, but I can’t. So I’ll see you soon, in a passing nightmare.

“But of all of the demons I’ve known, none could compare to you…” See the Light by Ghost

It’s All We Know

They ask a lot of questions because questions are less harmful when a person is younger and has less to hide. The grave gets deeper with each year as more secrets fill the space below the surface. It deepens faster than I can cover. Exposed. But there are worse ways to go and less cozy places to call “home.”

Happiness is dirty feet, long work days with plenty of sleep, and a nice meal followed by something sweet. There’s a painting here of you and me, sitting quietly on the beach. In that moment we are free. You and I – free. It’s comforting, even if it’s only a dream.

We live, we die, we choose and decide. We search for what is meant by “life.” It’s a mystery and no one knows why we’re left to confide in archaic lies. The choice is yours and the decision is mine.

Just because it’s all we’ve ever known doesn’t mean it’s all we ever have to know. There’s more to see and much to show if only we can let the past go. Letting the past go is a foreign concept to most. I must admit, I struggle with it, greatly so.

Skin melting plastic, metal burning wood – trust me, I’d explain if I could. I probably should, but there’s no time. There’s never enough time. Our days are borrowed and our sun will soon die. A massive explosion of fire raining down through the sky and into our hopeful eyes.

How negative of me. I apologize. Hold your head up high.

Paddle Out Past The Break

And so another week begins as the last will forever end and become nothing more than a small figment of my memory. It’s odd how quickly they come and go, arrive and disappear in an instant. Life is truly an illusion. She is a few brief moments disguised as many decades of experiences.

In the moments I paddle out past the break, to the mountainous waves, I rise and I fall continuously. The time is peaceful and destructive simultaneously. Looking back I can see them on the shore. They are ants behind me. I am alone in the massive gulf. I am free.

The creatures of the deep leave me in peace as I respect their sacred home. The mysteries are theirs to keep. The ants wave and watch, but they are far gone. I will return to them soon enough. The water appears to go on forever. Aside from maps and globes, I just might believe in an endless ocean.

There’s a large white cloud slowly making its way to cover the burning sun. A plane flies high above, yet far below the cloud. No one can cover the sun forever. She always returns. They fly over without seeing the beauty below. I am an ant to them and they are nothing to me.

Once I leave, will I return? Or will the cloud hide me for the rest of my existence? Will the seemingly endless ocean engulf me in her massive body, forever to decay in darkness with the creatures? Will I venture too far, never able to return as I am lost in a sea of exploration?

It Very Much Still Breaks My Heart

Back when she was young and hopeful, she let it inside and it ate her alive. With a willing host it can start its own life. Then the parasite punctures the host and watches it die. Slowly.

The virus overtakes the body and becomes the new person. It’s a rebirth combined with death and others will never know of the revelation. One day, it’s sand. The next, it’s snow. Warmth is replaced with flesh killing cold.

Many said yesterday was cursed. Numbers and celestial objects determine our value and worth. Cross your fingers and watch your step, just around the corner awaits a potential threat.

Hot or chilly, no one truly knows when the world will burn and follow the path of the dying star. The cat chases a moth in the night. He’s as black as moonless midnight. The prisoner in the basement dreams of grass and sunlight, but he’s too far gone. He can never leave the horrible hell he slid himself into. Crickets chirp outside the windows. They are invisible. Do they even exist? Or is the noise only in our haunted heads?

None of us has seen 10 p.m. since before summer’s bitter end. We’re all in need of extra freedom and friends. I did something wrong, I committed a sin. My own choice, it was. My personal destruction. I don’t regret it, and neither do you. Both of us lied and stretched the truth. So here we go, forever apart. Where did our friendship end and our battles restart? It very much still breaks my heart.

Q&A Throughout Life

Insanity has been the result of years of searching for answers to my questions. At this point, I’m not even sure answers would help.

Maybe the answers aren’t the problem. Maybe I should ask different questions. Maybe I should enjoy asking the questions.

Perhaps the answers are in the questions themselves.

Day 1 Without You

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